Dear Mother,
In one of the last conversations we will ever have in this lifetime, I confessed a long held suspicion and fear that my father is a pedophile. His whole demeanor changes whenever he is around small children - an exhilaration that never presents itself anywhere else. He also constantly made comments comparing me to my toddler-self. He said my hair was shinier, my smile was prettier, and my thighs were thinner. Growing up, I deeply felt the slow and painful loss of my father’s love and affection as each year passed and I just kept getting bigger and bigger. I desperately tried to hang on to his love, but by the time I graduated from elementary school, I knew that there was nothing I could do. I knew that whatever perfect image he had of me as a small child would just keep deteriorating. I was only 10 years old.
“You used to have nice thin legs. Now, your thighs are fat like your mother’s. You know, when I met your mother, she always wore skirts so I never knew her thighs were so thick. If I had, I probably wouldn’t have married her.”
I was no longer a cute little doll he could dress in frilly gowns.
After hearing all of this, you said nothing at first, but then came back the next day only to tell me that you didn’t think my father is a pedophile. He just likes to control children and exert his power and strength over them. Is this somehow better in your mind?
Then, when my husband yelled at you for your abhorrent responses and your astounding dismissiveness, you had the audacity to accuse him of being abusive. For the very first time in my life, I found someone who eagerly protects, comforts, loves, and respects me. He has given me the time and space to heal and grow. He has provided a warm and peaceful place for me to rest in, and you dared to throw the worst type of accusation at him.
I was stunned. I was suddenly a small child again - scared, confused, disconnected.
Where was all your righteous anger when my father made all those inappropriate comments about my body? Where was your outrage when his insults turned from calling me stupid and fat to weak and broken after I had been hospitalized for being suicidal? You spent my entire life either ignoring or excusing away all of my father’s abuse towards me. His behavior was completely acceptable in your mind. My husband expressing very justifiable anger, however, was completely UNacceptable.
I have come to realize that I was mistaken about you. All this time, I was convinced that you were merely ignorant of the things happening around you. That wasn’t the case, was it? Four years ago, before I went no-contact, you asked me, unprompted, if my father ever did anything to me. I hadn’t yet faced or acknowledged the trauma that I had gone through so I was confused as to why you would even pose such a question. After years of silence, I reached out to you for help in a moment of sheer desperation. I broke down in tears and begged you to protect me this time around. My husband and I apprehensively invited you back into our lives. Then, in a private conversation you had with my husband where he tried to set very clear boundaries (all of which you crossed), you asked him if I remembered anything when the subject of my father came up. I see now that you were just trying to fish for information. I always knew you were trying to live in the delusion that we were a happy family. I just never knew how far you were willing to go. You were so willing to sacrifice my mental and physical well-being for your selfish desires. You weren’t ignorant of the abuse at all, were you? In fact, you were a willing participant.
You claimed that when I was born, my father told you that he could raise me better than you could raise my brother so you didn’t have to have anything to do with me. Then, in a rare instance of obedience, you just accepted that arrangement. You claimed that the only reason you were so aggressively apathetic and neglectful of me was because my father told you to stay away. What kind of mother can be so easily convinced to stay away from her own child?
You are truly a vile human being. None of your words and none of your actions are ever genuine or sincere. All you have ever done is lie to and manipulate the people around you. You use money to try to control people. You never offer help just to help. You want the receiver to feel indebted to you. You want them to feel dependent on you. You want to pretend like you’re some great martyr when, in reality, you see every relationship as transactional. You are a villain with a hero complex.
When my husband and I tried to bring up past traumas, you purposely obfuscated the issues. You claimed to not remember the events at all or you heavy-handedly bogged the conversation down in irrelevant details. If you are not purposely muddying the waters, then you are just flat out denying that those things occurred at all. My husband brought up numerous examples of how he had been mistreated from the beginning of his interactions with you and my father - The disrespect, the lack of consideration, the violence he endured at the hands of my father - All of which, you tried to hand wave away in one form or fashion as if they were trivial matters. You admitted to my face that you never saw me as a real person. You never took my thoughts and feelings seriously. In reality, you STILL don’t see me as a real person and so, by extension, you have never seen and still do not see my husband as a real person. That is why you can dismiss us so easily and so thoroughly.
I believe all you want is for me to once again be your human shield. When I was around, my father’s focus was largely directly at me. I was the one who absorbed the majority of his degrading and demeaning criticisms and opinions. Now that I have expelled the both of you from my life, you are forced to take the brunt of his abuse. I think you knew all along that, when I was a child, my father was isolating me in order to abuse me, and you eagerly let that happen because it was fine as long as it wasn’t you. I think you accused my husband of being abusive because you want to isolate me once again so I would have no choice but to be my father’s keeper. I do NOT think you actually believe that my husband is abusive, which actually makes the accusation all the more disgusting. You are just capable of saying and doing the most hurtful and damaging things while in pursuit of your own desires and you do so with no hesitation or remorse.
In our very last exchange over text, you asked if I wanted to go to a therapy session with you as if we were just going through a small misunderstanding. I told you to tell your therapist that you claimed my father just likes to have power over children when I shared my fear that he is a pedophile. As always, you just ignored me. My father spent my whole life tearing me down so I would remain under his control. What’s more, you also spent my whole life tearing me down so I would remain under his control. I do not use this word lightly. You are evil.
I never want to hear from you ever again. I will no longer tolerate destructive people in my life. You and my father are both awful and selfish abusers. You have hurt both me and my husband in unforgivable ways. You are dangerous and immoral, and I will never allow you to harm my family.
Sincerely,
